Perfectionism: How To Defeat It, And How Not To Pass It On

I had a boyfriend once who called me “Miss P”.  The boyfriend was just one of a series of Mr. Wrongs.  But he was right about me.  You see, the P stood for perfect, and I did all I could to present myself that way.  I am a recovering perfectionist.

Perfectionism freezes people and their behaviors, and narrows their focus on outcome rather than process. In a quickly changing world, perfectionism is completely counterproductive.  Adaptability, flexibility and comfort with ambiguity are requirements in the new economy.  Yet perfectionism is more prevalent than ever.

Perfectionism in children has become more and more widespread, according to an April 2008 article in Psychology Today titled “The Making of a Perfectionist”.  The tendencies appear at an early age as a result of parental pressures.  No one is born a perfectionist; it is a reaction to parental pressure to succeed.  Children feel that pressure as criticism when they make any mistake.  Wanting always to please their parents, they attempt to meet their standard of achievement, which they perceive as nothing less than perfection.  They become less creative and innovative, less likely to take risks, more focused on outcomes.  They also become miserable, self-absorbed, and often depressed.

The perfectionist is subjected to a constant stream of negative emotions and engaged in perpetual self-evaluation.  This persistently negative self-talk creates frustration, anxiety and depression.  Smith College psychology professor Randy O. Frost has researched perfectionism for the last twenty years.  His research found that there are several facets of perfectionism, all of them destructive.  Those facets are:

• Concern over mistakes:  perfectionists believe that a mistake is the same as failure, and others will look down on them if they make a mistake.
• High personal standards: a perfectionist set the highest of personal standards,  and places excessive importance on those standards for personal evaluation
• Parental expectations: perfectionists believe their parents have set very high goals for them.
• Parental criticism: perfectionists believe their parents are, or were, overly critical.
• Doubting actions: perfectionists doubt their ability to accomplish tasks.
• Organization: perfectionists tend to emphasize neatness and order.

So what’s wrong with wanting to be neat and orderly? Nothing is wrong, so long as failure to be perfectly neat and orderly does not result in anguish, negative self-talk, blame and feelings of failure.  Concerns about mistakes, and doubts about actions are the hallmarks of perfectionism. But these traits are only paralyzing in the presence of parental criticism and exacting expectations. Children who are exposed to these implicit or explicit parental attitudes develop a sense of self that depends on accomplishments.  They come to believe that they are only as good as what they achieve. 

There is a real difference between excellence and perfection, according to professor Miriam Adderholdt, author of  Perfectionism: What’s Bad About Being Too Good.  Those in pursuit of excellence enjoy what they are doing, feel good about what they have learned, and develop confidence as a result.  Those striving for perfection feel bad about a 98 on a test, and find mistakes no matter how they are doing. 

Perfectionism is incredibly destructive.  Those who strive for it are likely to hide mistakes, thereby losing a chance to get feedback that could show them the learning value of mistakes, and the new competency which could result from addressing them.  The desire to hide mistakes can cause a person to avoid situations where mistakes might occur. A promising athlete may abandon a sport, a student may refuse to take more advanced classes.  Furthermore, preoccupation with the possibility of making mistakes can create the exact result the perfectionist is trying so hard to avoid because perfectionism undermines performance.

Suniya Luthar, in a 2005 article, “Children of the Affluent”, says that upper-class children have just as many problems as children in the inner-city, and sometimes more.  The source of their problems is achievement pressures, both internal and parental.  They see achievement failure as personal failure.  Among children with this mind-set, she found a relatively high level of depression, anxiety and substance abuse.  The reason: to children excessive pressure to succeed is seen as parental criticism. Children feel that they have failed their parents and themselves with every mistake, and believe that they are diminished in the affections and regard their parents feel for them.

In my recent article “How To Raise Successful Kids”, I gave some tips for ways to help your children focus on process rather than achievement through the use of praise.  Here are some suggestions on how to use criticism in ways which don’t promote perfectionism:

• If you believe your child has not performed as well as he should, do not criticize. Ask your child to evaluate the performance by asking questions like, “Are you happy with this?”  “Why/why not?” “What did you learn from this?”  What would you do differently?”
• Ask what you child believes she needs in order to do as well as she wants to.
• Empathize.  “This is hard, isn’t it?”
• When your child has left an important assignment to the last minute and has gotten a low grade, use it as a learning experience. Ask questions such as those above to allow your child to verbalize what went wrong, and how to do things differently next time.

   

What if you are the perfectionist?  Is it too late for you?  You can’t go back to childhood and undo whatever influences helped you create unrealistic expectations for yourself, but you can challenge your belief that your self-worth is based on performance.  Mistakes are inevitable.  The earth does not stop spinning, your family, friends and coworkers will not shun you, and you will not shrivel up and die if you make a mistake.  In fact, every mistake is an opportunity, of which you have thus far failed to avail yourself if you are a perfectionist.

I began to conquer my own perfectionist tendencies when, at age 40, I became a trial attorney.  Talk about intimidating, I didn’t even know which table to stand behind when I first entered the courtroom!  I recall many a day, driving home after a motion or hearing while I was still in the steepest part of the learning curve.  I would talk to myself, saying something like: “Well that (whatever my gaff du jour might have been) wasn’t so good.  But I sure know not to do that again!”  I reinforced the learning aspect of the mistakes I made.

When I became a more seasoned trial attorney, and other less experienced attorneys came to me with fears about going to trial with a case they might lose, I passed on what I learned.  I would tell them this: “Go in there and lose!”  I would be met with  looks of shock and disbelief.  I would explain that I wasn’t telling them I wanted their trial to be a disaster, but that they could learn just as much from a trial they lost as a trial they won.  I related to them my own experience.  You must prepare to the best of your ability.  Still, more often that not, you’ll come upon a situation you couldn’t have anticipated.  You’ll make mistakes.  You won’t die from them, but be darned sure you learn from them. 

Ultimately, in my mission to defeat my own perfectionism, the key was this:  I resolved to do new things even when I was scared.  I allowed myself to make mistakes. I recognized that mistakes don’t change who I am as a person.  I admitted my mistakes to others and asked for help.  I stopped trying to be Miss. P.  It’s a work in progress, but I’m getting there.  I hope all of you Miss Ps (you know who you are) out there will give it a try.

HOW TO RAISE A SUCCESSFUL CHILD

Here’s a quiz.

 To raise a successful child, you should:

 a) reward him for getting good grades

 b) tell her she is smart and/or talented,

 c) praise him for achievements in sports,

 d) none of the above.

The answer, counterintuitive as it may seem, is d) none of the above.  It turns out that praising achievement, talent, and good grades, and telling a child s/he is smart in order to encourage more achievement and good grades, has the opposite effect.  That is the conclusion of some thirty years of research which suggests that when parents and teachers emphasize talent and intelligence, children feel vulnerable to failure, fearful of challenges, and unwilling to put in the effort necessary to improve in areas of relative weakness. These children generally coast through the early years of school with no real effort.  They become convinced that they possess innate intelligence and that being and looking smart is far more important than learning.  When the work becomes more difficult in the middle school or high school years, they lose confidence and motivation.  They stop doing homework and studying for tests.  They lose all interest in school and become classic underachievers. 

These are the conclusions set out in an article in the December 2007/January 2007 edition of the magazine “Scientific American Mind” by Carol S. Dwerk, a research professor at Stanford University.  She cites her own research and that of other psychologists which shows that when parents consistently praise a child’s intelligence or talent, the child becomes vulnerable and fragile.  When the child makes a mistake, or cannot instantly grasp a concept, she believes it is a result of lack of ability, and she stops trying.  Because her self-concept is based on the belief that she is smart, failure is blow to the self-concept and proof that maybe she’s not so intelligent after all. 

Professor Dwerk calls this a fixed mind-set. Children with this mind-set have a negative view of hard work. They are focused more on looking smart than on learning.  They believe that the need to work hard at something is a sure sign of low ability or intelligence.  They believe that smart people don’t need to work hard to do well.  They believe that a bad grade is a reflection on their lack of ability, so they stop studying.

The difficulties don’t end there.  When people with the fixed mind-set enter the workforce, they tend to ignore or discourage constructive criticism.  They don’t seek or welcome feedback from co-workers or supervisors because they see criticism as a reflection of their core level of competence.  They require constant praise and encouragement to stay motivated. These issues carry over into relationships as well.  Those who believe that personality traits are fixed and static are more likely to believe that attempts to fix a broken relationship are futile.

Contrast this with a child who possessed a growth mind-set.  That child, when faced with a new situation or a mistake, believes that greater effort is needed to solve the problem. Unlike the child with a fixed mind-set, this child believes that intelligence skills can be expanded with hard work.  Mistakes are the result of a lack of effort, not ability, and can be remedied.  This child sees challenges as an opportunity to learn.  When confronted by a poor test grade, this child will study harder next time, or find a better way to absorb the material.  He is aware of the connection between effort and result.

How do parents foster a growth mind-set in their children? We do it by noticing, encouraging, praising and discussing effort instead of achievement.  Praise is a valuable tool in child rearing, but it must be worded carefully. Here are some suggestions:

·        Your child comes home with an A on her spelling test.  Instead of praising her for the good grade, praise the work that went into getting the grade.  Did she have you help her study? Then praise her for practicing and studying.  Say something like “you practiced hard to get that A, and I’m proud of you”.  

·        Your child has made a mistake on his math test.  Say:  “That’s an interesting mistake. Let’s see what we can learn from it.”

·        Your child has a very challenging science project.  Say: “I’m glad you took such a challenging project.  This is going to be fun! It will require lots of work and you are going to learn so much.”

·        Your child is a talented artist.  She shows you a painting she has finished.  Say: “I love what you’ve done with the colors in this painting. It’s different from anything you’ve done before.  Tell me how you decided to do this.”

·        Your child comes home from school talking about a sports figure he admires.  Say “You know, he worked very, very hard to become the great baseball player he is now.  He spent hours practicing every day and probably still does.”

These simple changes in the way we address our children’s talents and achievements can make a huge difference.  Research continues to refine the point that great accomplishment is typically the result of years of dedicated effort rather than some magical gift.  Hard work and discipline contributes much more to success in school and in life than IQ does.   By fostering the growth mind-set in our children, we help to create the responsible, self-disciplined adults we all hope our children will be.

  

COACHING SKILLS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Part 10: Nourish Independence

There Comes a Point When Parents Must Step Back and Allow Our Teenagers to Handle Some Things On Their Own. 

It is natural for a teen to want autonomy, and it is your job to show him the way.  Prepare your teen for the life ahead.  Teach him how to buy groceries, purchase his own clothing within a budget you set together, and do his own laundry.  Allow him to make independent decisions using good judgment.  Those small decisions will pave the way to the larger life decisions he’ll be required to make later on. 

 Independence Is A Gradual Process

 This is not to say that an older teen should expect to do whatever he wants to do.  He will meet boundaries in every part of his adult life, and he’ll need to live within them. You should make it clear that he must live within the boundaries you set while he lives in your house. 

Let Your Teen Learn About The Consequences of Poor Decisions 

Just as your teenager expects to reap the benefits of the good decisions he makes, he must also be prepared to deal with the results of bad decisions.  If he decides to drive too fast, or park in a no parking zone, he must also be prepared to pay the speeding or parking ticket with his own money.  If he spends all of his money and has none on a night his friends are going to the movies, he shouldn’t be able to squeeze more money out of Mom or Dad.  He’ll need to make other plans that don’t require him to spend money, or stay home.  If he decided to ignore his alarm clock and gets to school late, he will also need to be prepared to do the Saturday detention.  He needs to understand that he is responsible for the consequences of his actions. It is very difficult to watch a well-loved child suffer the consequences of a lapse in judgment.  But we must resist the urge to step in and fix things if we want our teenagers to become responsible and independent adults.  Make clear agreements with your child, be sure he knows how to uphold his part of the agreement, and then allow him to deal with the results.

COACHING SKILLS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Part 9: Promote Responsible Behavior

Begin with the end in mind. 

The goal of child-rearing is to send a confident, responsible, independent person out into the world.  Start from an early age to foster responsibility in your children.  As they enter the teen years, children grow in their ability to care for their own possessions, finances and commitments.  As their abilities grow, so should their responsibilities.  It’s often easier to do a chore yourself than to get your teenager to do it on a regular basis. But that is short-term thinking.  In the long-term your child will live away from you. She will need to know how to take care of herself and the place she calls home.  She must learn to not only clean up after herself, but also do chores that benefit all of the people who live in the home.  She must learn to do these things automatically and independently in order to prepare for the day when she is on her own. 

Many parents skip this part of the parenting process, rationalizing that with school and activities the teen doesn’t have time to take care of household responsibilities. If you have those feelings, ask yourself if that excuse would work for you.  You work, you have outside activities, and somehow you do what needs to be done at home as well.  That’s part of being a grown-up.  Allow you child to learn this lesson early, and you will make the transition to adulthood less difficult. This is where good communications is key. 

COACHING SKILLS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Part 8: Show Appreciation

Catch your teen doing something right, and tell him so. 

You don’t need to, and probably shouldn’t, heap praise on your child for every little thing he does well.  Excessive praise tends to produce children who expect instant gratification.  However, recognition of a teen’s accomplishment shows him that you are paying attention, not just to what he does wrong, but also to what he does right.  You don’t need to tell your son that you appreciate his emptying the dishwasher every time he does it.  But you can tell him you appreciate his doing it for a whole week without needing to be reminded.  Everyone likes to be acknowledged. Everyone likes to talk to someone who knows and likes who we truly are.  By expressing appreciation to your child, you give him that exact message: I know who you are, and I not only love you, but I like you.

Promote responsibility
Begin with the end in mind.  The goal of child-rearing is to send a confident, responsible, independent person out into the world.  Start from an early age to foster responsibility in your children.  As they enter the teen years, children grow in their ability to care for their own possessions, finances and commitments.  As their abilities grow, so should their responsibilities.  It’s often easier to do a chore yourself than to get your teenager to do that chore on a regular basis. But that is short-term thinking.  In the long-term your child will live away from you. She will need to know how to take care of herself and the place she calls home.  She must learn to not only clean up after herself, but also do chores that benefit all of the people who live in the home.  She must learn to do these things automatically and independently in order to prepare for the day when she is on her own. 

Many parents skip this part of the parenting process, rationalizing that with school and activities the teen doesn’t have time to take care of household responsibilities. If you have those feelings, ask yourself if that excuse would work for you.  You work, you have outside activities, and somehow you do what needs to be done at home as well.  That’s part of being a grown-up.  Allow you child to learn this lesson early, and you will make the transition to adulthood less difficult.

This is where good communications is key. 
Nourish independence
There comes a point when we parents must step back and allow our teenagers to handle things on their own.  It is natural for teens to want autonomy, and it is your job to show him the way.  Prepare your teen for the life ahead.  Teach him how to buy groceries, purchase his own clothing within a budget you set together, and do his own laundry.  Allow him to make independent decisions using good judgment.  Those small decisions will pave the way to the larger life decisions he’ll be required to make later on. 

This is not to say that an older teen should expect to do whatever he wants to do.  He will meet boundaries in every part of his adult life, and he’ll need to live within them. You should make it clear that he must live within the boundaries you set while he lives in your house. 

Just as your teenager expects to reap the benefits of the good decisions he makes, he must also be prepared to deal with the results of bad decisions.  If he decides to drive too fast, or park in a no parking zone, he must also be prepared to pay the speeding or parking ticket with his own money.  If he spends all of his money and has none on a night his friends are going to the movies, he shouldn’t be able to squeeze more money out of Mom or Dad.  He’ll need to make other plans that don’t require him to spend money, or stay home.  If he decided to ignore his alarm clock and gets to school late, he will also need to be prepared to do the Saturday detention.  He needs to understand that he is responsible for the consequences of his actions. It is very difficult to watch a well-loved child suffer the consequences of a lapse in judgment.  But we must resist the urge to step in and fix things if we want our teenagers to become responsible and independent adults.  Make clear agreements with your child, be sure he knows how to uphold his part of the agreement, and then allow him to deal with the results.

COACHING SKILLS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Part 7: Teach Your Teen About Hijack

Because of their still-developing emotional management skills, teens are even more likely than adults to have frequent episodes of emotional hijack. You will recognize it immediately when an innocent comment of yours is met with anger.  When you hear the words “you always” or “you never”, your teen is in hijack.  As you may recall from past articles, emotional hijack is a fight or flight reaction, and in teens it is very likely to result in arguments with high levels of emotion.  For a refresher on hijack, and the brain chemistry that creates it, read  the post titled,”I Feel Therefore I Am”, October 25, 2007. 

In hijack, the brain assigns a strong emotional charge to incoming information. This charge is based on emotional memories, and depending on the memory, can create a situation where loss of emotional control is likely.  When a teen is in hijack, that’s your signal to stop talking and wait for her to calm down.  Teach your child about hijack.  Give her written information on it, and talk about how to stop it.  Agree on a signal you will give when one of you recognizes hijack in the other.  Practice strategies such as breathing or mental math, which interrupt hijack and allow the thinking brain to gain control.  This is a valuable gift you can give your child; one which will allow her to grow in emotional self-control.  It will also help both of you avoid arguments.

COACHING SKILLS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Part 6: Listen!

Listening = Attention 

When your teen is talking to you, do exactly what you’d do if you were listening to a friend.  Put down the newspaper.  Stop whatever you are doing. Look directly at your child and listen.  If you can’t listen without distraction, apologize, and say something like this: “Right now I need to get supper on the table so that we can get out of the house by 6:00 for your sister’s game.  I want to give you my full attention, but I can’t do it now.  When we get home, I will be able to really listen to what you are saying.  Can we agree to talk then?”  

How To Be The Kind of Listener Your Teen Will Want To Talk To 

Being a good listener means asking questions, not to inject our own point of view, but to really understand. 

• Listen for your child’s point of view, and try to recognize and understand the core issue with which she’s wrestling.
• Ask questions. It’s okay to say, “I don’t understand.  Can you explain that to me?”  
• Make your comments about her, not you.  Keep yourself out of her story.  Don’t tell her about similar experiences you had, because that shifts the focus from her to you.  
•  Try to recall what it was to be a teenager, and just listen.  Let her talk it out, and let her listen to herself. 
•  Do not give advise unless it’s asked for, or unless the subject is one where you must do so in order to protect your child.  Even then, try to find a way to allow your teen to decide on an appropriate course of action, and use commands and prohibitions as a last resort.

COACHING SKILLS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Part 5: Acknowledge & Validate

There are few feelings as wonderful as the feeling of being deeply understood by another. 
When your child is talking to you, it’s a good idea to tell him what you believe he is saying and ask, “Do you think I understand you?”  If he says no, ask why, and really listen to the answer.  Accept whatever he tells you, and use those new insights to further understand his view of your relationship.  Use that information to build better understanding.

When you really do understand, acknowledge the feelings. 

“I think I understand how you are feeling right now.  You have worked so hard to be a starter on the team, and the coach picked someone else.  Anybody who worked as hard as you did and got passed over would be just as angry, disappointed and sad as you are”.  This is a core coaching skill.  Often,  acknowledging the feelings, and validating those feelings as not only real, but understandable is enough to clear the air and allow your teen to move on.

COACHING SKILLS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Part 4: Be Flexible, Consistent & Patient

Treat Your Teen Like A Respected Employee 

Suppose that in the last scenario, your son, who is in his room watching TV, has not emptied the dishwasher by the time you got home from work.  If he has not been required to do chores before, he may not believe he really must do it.  Or he may be testing you to see if you mean it.  Or he may have become engrossed in something else and forgotten all about it.  Be patient.  Speak to him about it. Remind him of the agreement.  Ask if the time he picked was realistic, or if a he can think of a better time when he’s more likely to remember.  Then ask him to stop what he is doing and do what he had agreed to do.  This is how you would treat a respected employee.  Tell him that you respect his need for some down-time after school, and honoring this agreement is a sign that he respects you and his place in the family.  Be consistent, and be patient, and remember this isn’t about you, it’s about teaching your child the importance of living up to his commitments.

COACHING SKILLS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Part 3: Commands Don’t Work, Agreements Do

One way to show your child respect is to avoid telling him what to do.  It rarely works anyway, and there is a better way to get a teen to follow household rule, complete chores, and do assignments on time. Teens tune us out when we tell them to do something.  You say, “I want you to empty the dishwasher.”  Your teen says (without looking up and in a monotone), “Okay”.  You know that the odds are about 90/10 that the dishwasher will not be emptied without further nagging. 

Instead of telling him what to do, ask for an agreement, and make it specific.  You say, “ I need your help. Can we agree that you will empty the dishwasher every afternoon before supper?”  Your teen says (without looking up, and in a monotone), “Okay”.  You say, “Can we agree on a time when you will do it?”  Teen says, “I don’t know”.  You say, “We’ve agreed that you’ll do it before supper, and I’m going to hold you to that. I need for this to be done before I come home from work so that I can cook supper, so let’s agree on a time when you can do it.”  This conversation continues until an agreement has been reached on when the dishwasher will be emptied.  If this is the first time your teen has emptied the dishwasher, don’t assume that he knows what that means.  Show him.  Then set the agreement, and follow through.  This brings us to the next step.