COACHING SKILLS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS Part 8: Show Appreciation

Catch your teen doing something right, and tell him so. 

You don’t need to, and probably shouldn’t, heap praise on your child for every little thing he does well.  Excessive praise tends to produce children who expect instant gratification.  However, recognition of a teen’s accomplishment shows him that you are paying attention, not just to what he does wrong, but also to what he does right.  You don’t need to tell your son that you appreciate his emptying the dishwasher every time he does it.  But you can tell him you appreciate his doing it for a whole week without needing to be reminded.  Everyone likes to be acknowledged. Everyone likes to talk to someone who knows and likes who we truly are.  By expressing appreciation to your child, you give him that exact message: I know who you are, and I not only love you, but I like you.

Promote responsibility
Begin with the end in mind.  The goal of child-rearing is to send a confident, responsible, independent person out into the world.  Start from an early age to foster responsibility in your children.  As they enter the teen years, children grow in their ability to care for their own possessions, finances and commitments.  As their abilities grow, so should their responsibilities.  It’s often easier to do a chore yourself than to get your teenager to do that chore on a regular basis. But that is short-term thinking.  In the long-term your child will live away from you. She will need to know how to take care of herself and the place she calls home.  She must learn to not only clean up after herself, but also do chores that benefit all of the people who live in the home.  She must learn to do these things automatically and independently in order to prepare for the day when she is on her own. 

Many parents skip this part of the parenting process, rationalizing that with school and activities the teen doesn’t have time to take care of household responsibilities. If you have those feelings, ask yourself if that excuse would work for you.  You work, you have outside activities, and somehow you do what needs to be done at home as well.  That’s part of being a grown-up.  Allow you child to learn this lesson early, and you will make the transition to adulthood less difficult.

This is where good communications is key. 
Nourish independence
There comes a point when we parents must step back and allow our teenagers to handle things on their own.  It is natural for teens to want autonomy, and it is your job to show him the way.  Prepare your teen for the life ahead.  Teach him how to buy groceries, purchase his own clothing within a budget you set together, and do his own laundry.  Allow him to make independent decisions using good judgment.  Those small decisions will pave the way to the larger life decisions he’ll be required to make later on. 

This is not to say that an older teen should expect to do whatever he wants to do.  He will meet boundaries in every part of his adult life, and he’ll need to live within them. You should make it clear that he must live within the boundaries you set while he lives in your house. 

Just as your teenager expects to reap the benefits of the good decisions he makes, he must also be prepared to deal with the results of bad decisions.  If he decides to drive too fast, or park in a no parking zone, he must also be prepared to pay the speeding or parking ticket with his own money.  If he spends all of his money and has none on a night his friends are going to the movies, he shouldn’t be able to squeeze more money out of Mom or Dad.  He’ll need to make other plans that don’t require him to spend money, or stay home.  If he decided to ignore his alarm clock and gets to school late, he will also need to be prepared to do the Saturday detention.  He needs to understand that he is responsible for the consequences of his actions. It is very difficult to watch a well-loved child suffer the consequences of a lapse in judgment.  But we must resist the urge to step in and fix things if we want our teenagers to become responsible and independent adults.  Make clear agreements with your child, be sure he knows how to uphold his part of the agreement, and then allow him to deal with the results.