HOW TO RAISE A SUCCESSFUL CHILD

Here’s a quiz.

 To raise a successful child, you should:

 a) reward him for getting good grades

 b) tell her she is smart and/or talented,

 c) praise him for achievements in sports,

 d) none of the above.

The answer, counterintuitive as it may seem, is d) none of the above.  It turns out that praising achievement, talent, and good grades, and telling a child s/he is smart in order to encourage more achievement and good grades, has the opposite effect.  That is the conclusion of some thirty years of research which suggests that when parents and teachers emphasize talent and intelligence, children feel vulnerable to failure, fearful of challenges, and unwilling to put in the effort necessary to improve in areas of relative weakness. These children generally coast through the early years of school with no real effort.  They become convinced that they possess innate intelligence and that being and looking smart is far more important than learning.  When the work becomes more difficult in the middle school or high school years, they lose confidence and motivation.  They stop doing homework and studying for tests.  They lose all interest in school and become classic underachievers. 

These are the conclusions set out in an article in the December 2007/January 2007 edition of the magazine “Scientific American Mind” by Carol S. Dwerk, a research professor at Stanford University.  She cites her own research and that of other psychologists which shows that when parents consistently praise a child’s intelligence or talent, the child becomes vulnerable and fragile.  When the child makes a mistake, or cannot instantly grasp a concept, she believes it is a result of lack of ability, and she stops trying.  Because her self-concept is based on the belief that she is smart, failure is blow to the self-concept and proof that maybe she’s not so intelligent after all. 

Professor Dwerk calls this a fixed mind-set. Children with this mind-set have a negative view of hard work. They are focused more on looking smart than on learning.  They believe that the need to work hard at something is a sure sign of low ability or intelligence.  They believe that smart people don’t need to work hard to do well.  They believe that a bad grade is a reflection on their lack of ability, so they stop studying.

The difficulties don’t end there.  When people with the fixed mind-set enter the workforce, they tend to ignore or discourage constructive criticism.  They don’t seek or welcome feedback from co-workers or supervisors because they see criticism as a reflection of their core level of competence.  They require constant praise and encouragement to stay motivated. These issues carry over into relationships as well.  Those who believe that personality traits are fixed and static are more likely to believe that attempts to fix a broken relationship are futile.

Contrast this with a child who possessed a growth mind-set.  That child, when faced with a new situation or a mistake, believes that greater effort is needed to solve the problem. Unlike the child with a fixed mind-set, this child believes that intelligence skills can be expanded with hard work.  Mistakes are the result of a lack of effort, not ability, and can be remedied.  This child sees challenges as an opportunity to learn.  When confronted by a poor test grade, this child will study harder next time, or find a better way to absorb the material.  He is aware of the connection between effort and result.

How do parents foster a growth mind-set in their children? We do it by noticing, encouraging, praising and discussing effort instead of achievement.  Praise is a valuable tool in child rearing, but it must be worded carefully. Here are some suggestions:

·        Your child comes home with an A on her spelling test.  Instead of praising her for the good grade, praise the work that went into getting the grade.  Did she have you help her study? Then praise her for practicing and studying.  Say something like “you practiced hard to get that A, and I’m proud of you”.  

·        Your child has made a mistake on his math test.  Say:  “That’s an interesting mistake. Let’s see what we can learn from it.”

·        Your child has a very challenging science project.  Say: “I’m glad you took such a challenging project.  This is going to be fun! It will require lots of work and you are going to learn so much.”

·        Your child is a talented artist.  She shows you a painting she has finished.  Say: “I love what you’ve done with the colors in this painting. It’s different from anything you’ve done before.  Tell me how you decided to do this.”

·        Your child comes home from school talking about a sports figure he admires.  Say “You know, he worked very, very hard to become the great baseball player he is now.  He spent hours practicing every day and probably still does.”

These simple changes in the way we address our children’s talents and achievements can make a huge difference.  Research continues to refine the point that great accomplishment is typically the result of years of dedicated effort rather than some magical gift.  Hard work and discipline contributes much more to success in school and in life than IQ does.   By fostering the growth mind-set in our children, we help to create the responsible, self-disciplined adults we all hope our children will be.